Train your Brain to Think like a Thin Person... Step 1

My Advantages to losing weight and eating a healthy, balanced diet.

I’ll be in better health

I’ll be able to exercise without discomfort

I’ll live longer

I’ll have more energy

I’ll be more physically fit

I’ll like myself more

I’ll feel more in control

I’ll be less self-critical

I’ll be able to run again

I’ll fit into my hobby clothes

I’ll be an example to my TNT runners

I’ll feel more outgoing

I’ll have more confidence

I’ll be able to wear MY smaller clothes

I’ll be more attractive to others

I’ll be more comfortable in my office chair

I’ll feel better when introduced as a professional Architect

I’ll be eager to join in professional groups

I’ll be able to go ‘shopping’ in my own closet

I've been reading The Beck Diet Solution - Train your Brain to think like a thin person, by Judith Beck, PH.D. about using Cognitive Therapy to get myself back on track to learn how to eat for the rest of my life....

The list above is my Advantage Response Card that I carry with me and read twice a day.  Here is to learning how to teach my brain how to do it right this time!

Yummers!

After a great, wonderfully inspiring weight watchers meeting I came home and made a quick dinner.  Already cooked shrimp (with some lemon pepper marinade), left over rice from dinner last night and veggies that I cut up earlier in the week (zucchini two kinds of summer squash). All thrown on the BBQ and ready in 15 min or less!!!!  Yummy!!!! 

Goals....

On April 17, 2008 I wrote this as my memoir:

“Determined to succeed at my goals”


It was days after my first marathon and my 30th birthday.   I now go back to those words and that race report.     I am determined to succeed at my goals!  And in the past five years I have succeeded at so much that sometimes I forget to stop and give myself some credit.  In the past five years I have conquered & survived cancer, my dog has conquered cancer, I have moved away from a marriage that wasn't right, I have purchased my very own home, I have passed 6 of the 7 exams to become an Architect, I have found the love of my life, I have nurtured friendships, I have excelled at my career,  I am now coaching runners, I have completed 25 full marathons, I have kept my smile, I have kept my goals in front of me.   I will continue to be determined to succeed at my goals.  Come along on my journey.

busy, busy, little bee

Whew – it’s been a crazy handful of days since my last post… I made it through the epidural steroid shot (10 days ago) and have felt some relief (don’t worry, I’ve been tracking in my little book to review with the doctor in 30 days).  I walked 2.6 miles last Saturday while I was coaching with Team in Training.  I felt pretty good.  My doctors’ orders were to do what felt comfortable as far as walking goes, only use machines at the gym, NO running, and taking it easy.  I haven’t made it to the gym – I don’t want to give excuses….  I need to get there, just walk in the door, no expectations, just walk in the door…. So when can I commit to going?  I WILL go to the gym on Saturday after TnT – a nice easy, relaxed workout, no pressure.   I did walk through the Farmer’s market at work today – two Thursday’s ago I could get there because of the pain.  I need to remember that these little walks are the positives that I was looking for – it’s not going to all come back right away.  I see the doctor again on the 30^th and hopefully he releases me to start slowly running to see how it feels, my fingers are crossed! 

I have been sporadically logging my food in my paper weight watchers tracker.  I didn’t find anyone on the local weight watchers FB page to review my log which felt a bit deflating (I guess I was expecting a ton of people to be in the same place and offer up their help).  There is someone who offered to review my food log over the weekend so as bad as it is right now I will still share.  If nothing else I have been eating normal meals, decent snacks and no crazy ‘treats’.  Well, we did have Brown Bear frozen yogurt last night, but I got the low-fat version and not a lot of crazy toppings.   It’s been better than a bad week, not a stellar week, but better than I was doing.  It’s really hard when I always strive for perfection to let myself have some wiggle room.  I’ve heard it before but this is worth repeating – this not a diet it’s a live-it!  I will go to my weight watchers meeting tomorrow night and weigh-in.  The number on the scale is not important this week, for me getting into the meeting and getting back into the routine is what I’m striving for.

Since my back was giving me so much pain I asked around and found a young man who was willing to help me out and mow my lawn.  I learned to ‘run’ in the Y-Run Club in Puyallup and his dad is a runner with us.  It feels so good to come home to a freshly mowed lawn.  I felt guilty at first but now I know I’m helping him as much as he is helping me and hey he’s making some summer money and learning how to have a part time job.  Plus he got jobs from two of the neighbors when he was here on Sunday!!! Anyway, even though I’m feeling better and I could do it on my own I’m going to keep having him come, at least until school starts.  I need to heal and make sure that I keep myself strong, plus I can do the ‘fun’ stuff because I’m not so tired from doing the manual labor part.  Look at me trying to justify it – I’m paying for a service and it’s worth the $11/hr!  No one is judging!

And in other news my lovely little Subaru has been having some serious mechanical issues.  Like $4,000 repair issues! YIKES!  So I’ve been weighing the cost to do the repairs or get a different used car – a stresser for sure.  In the meantime I’ve been driving around smelling like burning oil, leaving oil slicks and praying that my timing belt didn’t snap… Buying a new house just six months ago I was worried about having to go out and get another big ticket loan (plus I worry about money all the time since I’m my own breadwinner).  Anyway Cooper came with me on Saturday and we did some test driving to get me started.  It was so very helpful to have him help me get my feet wet and just ‘be there’ while I talked to the salespeople.  I worked at a car dealership in college and I’ve negotiated three car deals in my past but it’s never easy.  Anyway – long story short I sold the Subaru to a place that has two shops, one that repairs Subaru’s and the other that sells them.  They had looked at my car in early June and know the amount of work it needs – I got a very reasonable price from them and I feel good that Miss Subbie will go to someone who is looking for her and not just a wholesale junker land.  I took my money to Lakewood Ford and bought myself a used Hyundai SUV.  It’s a bit of an upgrade from the subbie but it’s a great car and has low miles.  When I get back to running its going to be a great race vehicle and it’s even AWD so I can get up to the mountains in the winter for snow shoeing!   Buying a car is never easy but I can honestly say that this was an easy experience.  I was treated with respect and I was able to negotiate a good price and get a loan all on my own. Talk about feeling empowered!  Darby dog went for her first ride tonight and she’s got a ton of space to enjoy now. 

Gheez,I can go on and on but really I need to prepare for FRIDAY!!! And get my rear to bed – sleep is important both for my weight loss efforts and for my back recovery.

This weekend is a busy one; a long Team in Training Saturday practice with a strength clinic at a Physical therapist, workout at the gym, tapas and wine with Cooper at his friends house, Coaching at the See Jane Run event in Seattle, going to show my Dad my new car and design & drafting of a custom residence for a side client – yep, that’s a busy weekend and I love it!!!

Time to get back on board....

Where do I start – life has sure been challenging, rewarding, amazing, hard and well…. it’s been L-I-F-E. I’ll share about what has been going on as it has all been having an effect on where I am now and why I’ve started writing again. My wonderful best friend said to me earlier today in a doctor’s office waiting room “you’re whole life looks like it’s in that notebook – writing it all down helps you keep it straight doesn't it?!” or something like that – it hit me – when life is spiraling out of control I tend to write it down – so I can remember what’s going on and so I can look back at it when I don’t remember what medicine I’ve taken or when my MRI was or which doctor I saw last week. I write it down so that I can feel some control over what has been some very unsettling time for me. During my therapy session today I talked about how my eating has become purely emotional and that I have been eating – “because I just want to, or because I deserve it” (in the best teenage girl defiant voice ever). So the plan I (we) came up with is to go to Weight Watchers and find someone – a fellow member or my leader to work with one on one so that I can get my head back in the game. I reached out to the WW facebook group today to see if someone will look over my food tracker at the Friday Meeting – then I know my food journal will be looked at then hopefully I’ll keep writing in it for more than a day (I tend to do good for a day or two – sometimes even a whole week and then I drop off the map). So that’s the plan to try and get my eating from out of control back to eating to be healthy.  Even if I can't exercise I can at least control what goes in my mouth.  My therapist also made a great statement - the doctors are doing their best to help me get better - they are putting tools in the box - what am I going to put in the box to help myself?  So I've got to do my part - I'm going to get back on board and help myself.


A bit of back story
Some of my eating/health/weight issues are stemming from the fact that I am having a very hard time exercising – due to a herniated disk in my lower back and degenerative disk disease in my lowest lumbar region. Sounds scary and it is. It’s been since March 12th that I went to my first chiropractic appointment – it’s been a whirlwind since – doctors, chiropractors, physical therapist, family doctor, three surgeons, therapist…. To figure out how to fix this… today I got an epidural steroid shot in my lumbar region – a last gasp to try and avoid surgery and help the pain so that I can try and get moving again.  So far all I feel is the continued numbness in my left foot, tigling in my calf and some numbness in the back of my thigh. I can only walk a block and then a horrible shooting pain goes up my leg into a tight spot in my buttock. Standing upright is almost impossible and it just plain always hurts.  I had my fingers crossed during the whole injection, hoping that it helps relieve some of the pain so that I can at least start walking again - if I can't run for a bit thats ok - I just want to be able to walk - please, just a nice walk....

This is just the tip of the iceberg and there is so much to tell, to work through and to get figured out but I had to start somewhere – here is to taking the first step in the right direction.
~Jess

the difference between giving up and moving on....

I just need to get this stuff out… I’ve been reading a variety of books lately and decided to pull tidbits from each one – they all speak to where I’m at right now…..
There is a huge difference between giving up and moving on. Moving on doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are some things that cannot be. Moving on can mean that you’re making a choice to be happy rather than hurt. For some folks, good situations last a lifetime, but for many, not knowing when to move on can hold them back forever.
I’ve used the above quote before – it helps me know that it’s ok to move on…

Make Your Own Decisions

Have you ever felt so depressed that it seemed impossible to decide on anything, even something as simple as what to have for dinner? Depression takes away your ability to make decisions. Due to chemical changes that take place in your brain when you’re depressed, decisions you can normally make without thinking twice can become Herculean tasks. You can often feel panicked, afraid, and worried simply because of the fact that you have to make a decision. Considering how many decisions you have to make in a day, not being able to make even the simplest of decisions is a real problem.

You Versus Your Brain

When you’re depressed and have to make a choice about something, there’s a good chance that your brain will put up a fight. It’s as though your brain is always trying to negotiate for something different from what you want to do. You might struggle with making a decision so much that you wind up confused and tired – and with nothing decided at all. And while you’re going through all that, you might miss many positive opportunities to get out and feel better.

Plus, depression can create strong feelings of guilt over what decision you eventually make. This guilt can make you very uncomfortable because you think that either someone is going to get hurt or something is going to be missed as a result of your decision. This feeling can be so stressful you may feel it’s easier not to make decisions at all. Unfortunately this route simply leads back to more depression for not having made a decision.

But you can make your own decisions when you’re depressed. Ask yourself what decision you would make if you weren’t depressed. If that’s not possible, override the pointless back-and-forth with our brain by making a decision, whether or not you like the decision, and then move forward. You might then have to deal with the voice of the depression telling you you’ve made the wrong choice, but that’s easier to deal with than the sense of uselessness that can come from not making a decision at all.

*Depression tells me I made the wrong decision, but I didn’t. I made a choice, and it’s my own.  

Here is a great realization…

“It’s so different to be on a date with someone and to actually be paying attention to whether I like him, whether I’m having a good time, whether I think he’s a nice person. I never thought about these things before. I was always trying so hard to make whoever I was with like me, to make sure he had a good time with me and thought I was nice. You know, after a date I never thought about whether I wanted to see the person again. I was too busy wondering if he liked me enough to call me for another date. I had it all backward!”

Another measure of great love is the willingness to look honestly at oneself in order to promote growth of the relationship and the deepening of intimacy. Associated with real love are feelings of serenity, security, devotion, understanding, companionship, mutual support and comfort….

Yeah, I’m not feeling it anymore…

Some quotes from the boyfriend today:

•  Marriage, how to you feel about it? Do you see that as a possibility for us? (over the phone, really???)
• Looked at some shiny stuff at Ben Bridge today, but don’t worry, I won’t show up with a ring tomorrow…. (WHAT, when did I ever say I wanted marriage, I just ended one!)
• I just love you (to make the 10 calls, 15 texts and 4 voicemails seem ok).
• Want to head in the same direction
• I want to spend my life with you
• Call me before you go to bed (it’s 9pm now)

I’m feeling very smothered right now. I feel very guilty for wanting to put myself first - I shouln't feel that way!!. I have worked since my junior year in high school to become an Architect – I will do it and don’t get in my way…. Sorry if that sounds self-centered but I have a lot of people in my life that somehow understand and support me and push me down the road (thanks friends).

I know I may be considered a crazy dog lady, but taking care of Darby right now is very important to me, don’t belittle that (she' my "baggage" and I'm proud to have her, so with me comes her). She has helped me through cancer and divorce and many other struggles the past few years and dang it if I’m not going to help her now – don’t make me feel guilty for it.

Whew, I needed to get that out – it’s definitely not directed at any of you that read this. Sometimes it’s hard when you know that the other person loves you with all their heart and you can’t reciprocate…. I have to end it though, my heart’s not in it. I don’t see marriage for us, I don’t feel mutual support, comfort, security, understanding… I also know that he will not take this well – I’m expecting a ‘crazy-stalker’ response and as much as I don’t want to hurt him I think letting it go longer will just make it worse. I’m taking my own advice and making a decision and keeping it.

On the running front – I haven’t run since the fourth of july. I did something to my lower back and it’s been bugging me ever since. Stress and sitting on my rear to study isn’t helping – so I’m taking the time to heal, stretch and use the giant balance ball. Though all I want to do is go for a really long run with my Darby dog and friends for a long morning!

Tomorrow is a new day!

not sure how to credit the books but here is what I was referencing:

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

Get It Done When You're Depressed by Julie Fast and John Preston

Website - Marc & Angel Hack Life

glass is half empty... nope MY glass is half FULL

is the Glass half emtpy.....



Lower Back hurts/aches


Don’t like to sit in my office chair


Lack of motivation


Likes to sleep, but it’s too much


Can’t wake up to an alarm no matter how much I try


Took an evening nap then went to bed


Darby needs her walks but I’m not taking her


Broke/poor/NO money


Big rewards seem too far away


Don’t want to grocery shop cause it costs money


Can’t just enter any race (no money)


Most of my closet doesn’t fit


I belong to a gym but don’t go very often


I got braces put back on


Let’s change this –


The Glass is Half Full!

 I’m healthy


I have an amazing best friend


I have a lot of wonderful friends that support me


I have a great job, great boss and great co-workers


I’m over half way to getting my Architecture License


I have a roof over my head


My dog battled cancer and won – thanks Summit Vets!


My dog smiles or winks at me every day


My dad, brother, sister and extended family love me


I am able to turn lemons into lemonade


My jeans still fit


I rode a Harley on the 4th of July


I found an amazing therapist


My physician knows how to help me


I found a trainer at the gym who pushes me


I live in the beautiful Pacific Northwest were the weather is just right


Dash Point State park is right out my door and a great place to walk the dog


I found an amazing Weight Watchers Leader.


I’m going on a walk at lunch today in the sunshine (I have my sunscreen on)


I have a running club that always welcomes me back.


I have more running shoes than regular shoes


My apartment is mine, all mine (well, technically Darby-dog’s too)


I’m fixing my teeth/bite with braces and they were free (thanks Drs. Molen)


My finger nails are long (thanks to the braces)


I’m a cool Auntie to my nieces and nephew and tons of other kiddos!


I called a Real Estate Agent today to see if I can get a house (condo, someplace of my own).