Thursday, December 30, 2010

why ? ?

WHY ????
1. Why do I sabotage myself?
2. Why do I deliberately make bad choices when no one is looking?
3. Why have I not run the month of December?
4. Why am I overwhelmed at work?
5. Why do I not designate time to study for my next test?
6. Why am I tired?
7. Why do my pants seem to keep shrinking?
8. Why can I not make my lunch?
9. Why do I go to be late and make getting up harder?
10. Why are my eyes blurry until 10am?
11. Why am I not more excited to be coaching Team in Training in January?
12. Why haven’t I registered for a race?
13. Why haven’t I ran a race since October 24th?
14. Why did I load the new iphone software and fail to run a backup and now have a blank phone (with new software)?
15. Why can’t I have a clean garage or shed?


I know the answers (I think) but implementing them is hard…. I need to take control of my life, make small changes and they will lead me to what I am looking for – a happiness, a balance, a ‘I feel good’ feeling….

So here are some of my answers to my own questions above;
1. Self sabotage - because I’m sad, because I’m not in control

2. Deliberate bad choices - because I want the control, whether or not it is bad for me, no one can tell me what to do (I’m stubborn), and by no one seeing it, no one can judge it.

3. Lack of running - I don’t have any running mojo, maybe I was burnt out, and maybe my body needed some rest… I would like a stead fast running partner that I can talk to while running and that can encourage me to get out and move. I have lots of running friends, time to call in some favors…

4. Work - I feel overwhelmed at work because I am, I have a lot of work on my desk and all of my projects are in the same stage – so of course everyone needs everything right away. I need to delegate and prioritize the work, tell some people that it might be a day until their answer so that I can get one task complete, otherwise I’m a daily pinball machine.

5. Study time - I don’t designate time to study because I feel like I’m taking time away from my husband, by dog, my running (in the end I’m not getting studying, family time or running in…. Set aside some study time, maybe after a walk with the dog or at coffee with family.

6. Tired - I need to go to bed and sleep, not be restless (but sometimes I’m tired, but not really tired – restless mind, restless legs, but still tired), maybe running will make me physically tired so that I fall asleep faster. Bedtimes might need to be reinstated.

7. Small pants – duh, butt getting bigger and pants are the same size…. This one is a no-brainer.

8. Lunch – if I can’t find anything in the cupboard or fridge I just give up, if I would organize my groceries specific to my lunch would it make it easier? If so then DO IT!

9. Late to bed – see #6 answer – Bedtimes need to be reinstated! Brian needs a book light so I can sleep if he has his reading light on.

10. Blurry Eyes – See #6, #9 answers above – early morning workouts helped during the summer, I was able to spend blurry eye time working out and by the time I got to work I was invigorated (and not noticeable tired from working out).

11. TnT Coach – I should be totally jazzed to be a TnT Coach, our first practice is in January and we have a few info meetings before then. Maybe I’m not excited because I don’t feel worthy since I haven’t been running and my running clothes got smaller (see #7 above).

12. Upcoming races – why haven’t I registered for a race, dangle that carrot out there….. Barb from the Y-Run-Club mentioned running the Mercer Island Half Marathon in March, maybe I need to commit to that….

13. Race since October – the two races in October where really, really wet (I wore a poncho for the first and second time). That and Elinor has been concentrating on her family after dedicating so much time to her marathon training that I feel like I lost my best running partner. No excuse, I am a marathon maniac, get out there and run!

14. iphone – I am trying to be more tech savvy, but this one got me – I uploaded the new software and lost all of my contacts, photos, notes, layouts, everything. Still in the ‘no-way’ and ‘really?’ stage… still working to see if I can get the info back.

15. Garage/shed – I think this is everyone’s dream, but really, more crap keeps inching its way into the house and not enough is leaving. Does the New Year spur this need for clearing out in everyone? Make a donation box, a dump box and a sell on craigslist box and spend a few hours in there and get something done.

Slow and steady, working toward the positive goals with the answers that I have, that is all that I can do.... no resolutions here.... just life changing goals.