Sunday, July 15, 2012

the difference between giving up and moving on....

I just need to get this stuff out… I’ve been reading a variety of books lately and decided to pull tidbits from each one – they all speak to where I’m at right now…..
There is a huge difference between giving up and moving on. Moving on doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are some things that cannot be. Moving on can mean that you’re making a choice to be happy rather than hurt. For some folks, good situations last a lifetime, but for many, not knowing when to move on can hold them back forever.
I’ve used the above quote before – it helps me know that it’s ok to move on…

Make Your Own Decisions

Have you ever felt so depressed that it seemed impossible to decide on anything, even something as simple as what to have for dinner? Depression takes away your ability to make decisions. Due to chemical changes that take place in your brain when you’re depressed, decisions you can normally make without thinking twice can become Herculean tasks. You can often feel panicked, afraid, and worried simply because of the fact that you have to make a decision. Considering how many decisions you have to make in a day, not being able to make even the simplest of decisions is a real problem.

You Versus Your Brain

When you’re depressed and have to make a choice about something, there’s a good chance that your brain will put up a fight. It’s as though your brain is always trying to negotiate for something different from what you want to do. You might struggle with making a decision so much that you wind up confused and tired – and with nothing decided at all. And while you’re going through all that, you might miss many positive opportunities to get out and feel better.

Plus, depression can create strong feelings of guilt over what decision you eventually make. This guilt can make you very uncomfortable because you think that either someone is going to get hurt or something is going to be missed as a result of your decision. This feeling can be so stressful you may feel it’s easier not to make decisions at all. Unfortunately this route simply leads back to more depression for not having made a decision.

But you can make your own decisions when you’re depressed. Ask yourself what decision you would make if you weren’t depressed. If that’s not possible, override the pointless back-and-forth with our brain by making a decision, whether or not you like the decision, and then move forward. You might then have to deal with the voice of the depression telling you you’ve made the wrong choice, but that’s easier to deal with than the sense of uselessness that can come from not making a decision at all.

*Depression tells me I made the wrong decision, but I didn’t. I made a choice, and it’s my own.  
Here is a great realization…

“It’s so different to be on a date with someone and to actually be paying attention to whether I like him, whether I’m having a good time, whether I think he’s a nice person. I never thought about these things before. I was always trying so hard to make whoever I was with like me, to make sure he had a good time with me and thought I was nice. You know, after a date I never thought about whether I wanted to see the person again. I was too busy wondering if he liked me enough to call me for another date. I had it all backward!”

Another measure of great love is the willingness to look honestly at oneself in order to promote growth of the relationship and the deepening of intimacy. Associated with real love are feelings of serenity, security, devotion, understanding, companionship, mutual support and comfort….

Yeah, I’m not feeling it anymore…

Some quotes from the boyfriend today:
  •  Marriage, how to you feel about it? Do you see that as a possibility for us? (over the phone, really???)
  • Looked at some shiny stuff at Ben Bridge today, but don’t worry, I won’t show up with a ring tomorrow…. (WHAT, when did I ever say I wanted marriage, I just ended one!)
  • I just love you (to make the 10 calls, 15 texts and 4 voicemails seem ok).
  • Want to head in the same direction
  • I want to spend my life with you
  • Call me before you go to bed (it’s 9pm now)
I’m feeling very smothered right now. I feel very guilty for wanting to put myself first - I shouln't feel that way!!. I have worked since my junior year in high school to become an Architect – I will do it and don’t get in my way…. Sorry if that sounds self-centered but I have a lot of people in my life that somehow understand and support me and push me down the road (thanks friends).

I know I may be considered a crazy dog lady, but taking care of Darby right now is very important to me, don’t belittle that (she' my "baggage" and I'm proud to have her, so with me comes her). She has helped me through cancer and divorce and many other struggles the past few years and dang it if I’m not going to help her now – don’t make me feel guilty for it.

Whew, I needed to get that out – it’s definitely not directed at any of you that read this. Sometimes it’s hard when you know that the other person loves you with all their heart and you can’t reciprocate…. I have to end it though, my heart’s not in it. I don’t see marriage for us, I don’t feel mutual support, comfort, security, understanding… I also know that he will not take this well – I’m expecting a ‘crazy-stalker’ response and as much as I don’t want to hurt him I think letting it go longer will just make it worse. I’m taking my own advice and making a decision and keeping it.

On the running front – I haven’t run since the fourth of july. I did something to my lower back and it’s been bugging me ever since. Stress and sitting on my rear to study isn’t helping – so I’m taking the time to heal, stretch and use the giant balance ball. Though all I want to do is go for a really long run with my Darby dog and friends for a long morning!

Tomorrow is a new day!

not sure how to credit the books but here is what I was referencing:
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Get It Done When You're Depressed by Julie Fast and John Preston
Website - Marc & Angel Hack Life

Friday, July 6, 2012

glass is half empty... nope MY glass is half FULL

is the Glass half emtpy.....

Lower Back hurts/aches

Don’t like to sit in my office chair

Lack of motivation

Likes to sleep, but it’s too much

Can’t wake up to an alarm no matter how much I try

Took an evening nap then went to bed

Darby needs her walks but I’m not taking her

Broke/poor/NO money

Big rewards seem too far away

Don’t want to grocery shop cause it costs money

Can’t just enter any race (no money)

Most of my closet doesn’t fit

I belong to a gym but don’t go very often

I got braces put back on

Let’s change this –

The Glass is Half Full!

I’m healthy

I have an amazing best friend

I have a lot of wonderful friends that support me

I have a great job, great boss and great co-workers

I’m over half way to getting my Architecture License

I have a roof over my head

My dog battled cancer and won – thanks Summit Vets!

My dog smiles or winks at me every day

My dad, brother, sister and extended family love me

I am able to turn lemons into lemonade

My jeans still fit

I rode a Harley on the 4th of July

I found an amazing therapist

My physician knows how to help me

I found a trainer at the gym who pushes me

I live in the beautiful Pacific Northwest were the weather is just right

Dash Point State park is right out my door and a great place to walk the dog

I found an amazing Weight Watchers Leader.

I’m going on a walk at lunch today in the sunshine (I have my sunscreen on)

I have a running club that always welcomes me back.

I have more running shoes than regular shoes

My apartment is mine, all mine (well, technically Darby-dog’s too)

I’m fixing my teeth/bite with braces and they were free (thanks Drs. Molen)

My finger nails are long (thanks to the braces)

I’m a cool Auntie to my nieces and nephew and tons of other kiddos!

I called a Real Estate Agent today to see if I can get a house (condo, someplace of my own).

slow and steady ramblings...

I’ve been missing lately – this blog helps me, so I’m coming back. Slow and steady is still the name and still the pace… I’m running but I’m having trouble just getting through the days so I need to write it down and start turning this ship around to the pretty blue waters! I read this website Marc and Angel and I’ve borrow some of their comments from today’s post titled ’10 Things to Tell Yourself Today’. After reading these you may come to understand where I’m at right now…

I am fighting hard for the things I want most. – The longer you have to wait for something, the more you will appreciate it when it finally arrives. The harder you have to fight for something, the more it will be worth to you once you achieve it. And the more pain you have to endure on your journey, the sweeter the arrival at your destination. Most great things don’t come easy, but they are worth waiting for and fighting for.

I am letting go of yesterday’s stress. – Sometimes the reason it’s so hard for us to be happy is simply because we refuse to let go of the things that make us upset. As the sun sets on this day, let it go. Leave behind the stress, the drama and the worries. Lay this day to rest. Tomorrow is about hope, new possibilities, and the opportunity to make a better day.

There is enough time today to do something I love. – Where did you leave your happiness? With an old lover? In city you once lived in? In a story you never finished writing? In a dream you gave up on? In a hope you got too weary to carry? Wherever you left it, go back and retrieve it. If you don’t remember where you left it, dedicate a little time today to doing something you love to do, and you will find your happiness somewhere nearby.

It’s not too late. – No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you’ve come from, you can always change and become a better version of yourself. Peace, strength and direction will come to you when you manage to tune out the noisy judgments of others, in an effort to better hear the soft and steady hum of your own inner strength. And once you hear it, you will realize that it’s not too late to be what you might have been.

From Marc and Angel – their website has brought me a lot of hope and insight… I just wish I could actually hear, use and be what I read sometimes…