Monday, July 1, 2013

Time to get back on board....

Where do I start – life has sure been challenging, rewarding, amazing, hard and well…. it’s been L-I-F-E. I’ll share about what has been going on as it has all been having an effect on where I am now and why I’ve started writing again. My wonderful best friend said to me earlier today in a doctor’s office waiting room “you’re whole life looks like it’s in that notebook – writing it all down helps you keep it straight doesn't it?!” or something like that – it hit me – when life is spiraling out of control I tend to write it down – so I can remember what’s going on and so I can look back at it when I don’t remember what medicine I’ve taken or when my MRI was or which doctor I saw last week. I write it down so that I can feel some control over what has been some very unsettling time for me. During my therapy session today I talked about how my eating has become purely emotional and that I have been eating – “because I just want to, or because I deserve it” (in the best teenage girl defiant voice ever). So the plan I (we) came up with is to go to Weight Watchers and find someone – a fellow member or my leader to work with one on one so that I can get my head back in the game. I reached out to the WW facebook group today to see if someone will look over my food tracker at the Friday Meeting – then I know my food journal will be looked at then hopefully I’ll keep writing in it for more than a day (I tend to do good for a day or two – sometimes even a whole week and then I drop off the map). So that’s the plan to try and get my eating from out of control back to eating to be healthy.  Even if I can't exercise I can at least control what goes in my mouth.  My therapist also made a great statement - the doctors are doing their best to help me get better - they are putting tools in the box - what am I going to put in the box to help myself?  So I've got to do my part - I'm going to get back on board and help myself.

A bit of back story
Some of my eating/health/weight issues are stemming from the fact that I am having a very hard time exercising – due to a herniated disk in my lower back and degenerative disk disease in my lowest lumbar region. Sounds scary and it is. It’s been since March 12th that I went to my first chiropractic appointment – it’s been a whirlwind since – doctors, chiropractors, physical therapist, family doctor, three surgeons, therapist…. To figure out how to fix this… today I got an epidural steroid shot in my lumbar region – a last gasp to try and avoid surgery and help the pain so that I can try and get moving again.  So far all I feel is the continued numbness in my left foot, tigling in my calf and some numbness in the back of my thigh. I can only walk a block and then a horrible shooting pain goes up my leg into a tight spot in my buttock. Standing upright is almost impossible and it just plain always hurts.  I had my fingers crossed during the whole injection, hoping that it helps relieve some of the pain so that I can at least start walking again - if I can't run for a bit thats ok - I just want to be able to walk - please, just a nice walk....

This is just the tip of the iceberg and there is so much to tell, to work through and to get figured out but I had to start somewhere – here is to taking the first step in the right direction.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

Oh boy. I'd be angry too. I'm sure I'd go through a defiant, rebellious, pissed off phase too. You have a lot to be angry about. But it seems like you're ready for the post-anger phase. The "anger only makes me feel worse in the end, isn't helpful and gets me nowhere, so what now?" phase. Remember, "dieting" is hard but it gets easier and easier and you start to feel better so it balances out the effort with reward. The true reward is in how you feel, not in the number on the scale. I'm so humbled to have influenced this in some small way. I never put together that the Jessica on my FB page was you. I remember crying when I read your marathon race report. I will follow your journey back to a more positive headspace. Thanks for sharing.